Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Just A Thought
I guess it took a huge mistake for me to realise all the others. It took awhile. Well, not really awhile if you consider that I've been an ass for as long as I can remember. I was seriously at a loss, I did not know where I went wrong. I could easily blame my mum for the way she brought me up and I know some people might question her methods too. But undeniably, her methods work, at least for my brother who turned out almost exactly like how my mum wanted. I guess it was just a clash of two egos. Two big egos and unfortunately for me, I was on the losing end because of one simple detail: I am her son, no more, no less. Still, as much as I believe how she brought me up moulded me to who I am today, I still cannot help but feel like I am missing something. My mum can't possibly be the root of all my evil.
I am somewhat ashamed to admit this, but it took me awhile longer to realise that I've been neglecting religion. I did not put in the effort to make sure I made all the timings. I did the bare minimum required, sometimes even less. It was obvious to me, then, what I had to do to to try and change things. I did not know in what way they could change things since my problems and religion didn't really seem to have any sort of connection but I just did it anyway. I put in conscious effort every day. Did less of what was bad and tried to do more of the good. In a sense I guess I had an epiphany, probably my first real one so I was quite content.
True enough thigns started to look better. The same things happened, yes, but i saw everything in a new light, almost literally. I was quite amazed, really. But somehow, things just seemed so surreal. Its like somehow, I feel like instead of confronting my problems I am just running away. I have no idea why I feel like this. I feel enlightened yet somehow I have that lingering feeling that all I did was to carelessly stuff my problems, faults and whatnot into a bottle and stowed it away deep inside me, instead of away. Something just does not feel right and I don't know who I can talk to. Heck, I wouldn't even know what to say even if i did. How do you explain something like this to someone?
I feel like I need someone to talk to. Not to tell me what I can do to feel better, but to just be frank with me. I can't talk to my dad. He really cares alot but does not always know what to do. I can't tell my mum because as much as I think she might have some solutions, I don't think I'm mentally up for the nagging which inevitably comes with advice just yet. I'm still too raw I guess. I can't talk to my brother because he is like my father. Not to mention more awkward. I can't talk to my best friends. Somehow when it comes to me, their only advice would be to "man up." Which never really helps. I can't talk to the people who offer their help. They're kind people but I don't want them to worry about more than they have to, seeing as they worry for a lot of people already. I can't talk to my Coast Guard mates; we are just not close enough yet to be able to share like this. How?
I could talk to God. But I've been so out of touch that I'm not even sure I know how to anymore. And I don't mean to be an asshole, but sometimes, God gives you an answer in the form of a question, or that you have to find out for yourself. I'm already turning 20 soon. I honestly don't know how much longer I will live and the very thought of dying the way I am scares the shit out of me. I need a direct answer. Something to work on. The missing piece of the puzzle which I have turned my life into. I've spent enough time feeling lost and helpless and for the first time in my life, I feel like I can actually take control of my life. I just need a little bit of help. So I guess this could count as an informal prayer to You.
From what I described, I sound like a drug addict, a drinker or some kind of playboy. I sound like I've completely ruined my life. But take a look at me. I graduated from the best school in Singapore, I have the highest rank a National Serviceman can attain in two years, I actually have a considerable amount of money in my savings account and I have a caring and supportive family. All I can say is that sometimes, the problem does not lie with where you are or what you have in life. The problem lies with how you get where you are in life and in what mental and spiritual condition you are in when you arrive where you are. That's my problem. And quite unfortunately, thats the kind of problem which is hard to amend. You can't see how much you've changed for the better or worse until its too late.
Posted by Mat Raffles at 11:59 PM
