Tuesday, August 31, 2010

For All The Shit

For all the shit I went through, I get nothing,
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Nothing to help me learn from the past,
nothing to help me feel good.
Nothing.

For all the shit I went through, nothing changed.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Shit still fell on my head,
shit still happened.

For all the shit I went through, I felt like it was unfair.
Unfair that I kept getting haunted by my past,
unfair that I can't let go no matter how hard I try.
Unfair, I think.

For all the shit I went through, I realise I probably deserved it.
Deserved what I got for quitting rugby,
deserved what I got for wasting four years of my life ruining my brain,
deserved what I got for not being a good son.
I deserved it, and I dont like it.

Quitting rugby was a mistake.
The finals in '08 still replays in my mind every two days or so.
Oh, how different the outcome could have been,
how different our reactions would have been,
how different the system mindsets would have been,
had I played.
Had I worked that little bit harder in training.
Had I not lost the ball to someone in what was to be my final touch of a rugby ball in training.
Had I just taken the shit from my coach like a man and not collapse when it mattered.
It still haunts me, I cant get over it.
Maybe someday, I can play against my old coachs' team.
And beat them.
And beat him.
Beat the shit out of him to make him see what he missed,
and what I let go to waste.
And maybe finally get over this and move on with life.

Dozing off in RI was a mistake.
Not using one's full mental capacity for some time reduces its overall mental capacity.
Imagine what four years can do.
Imagine what might be had I not let my mind rot.
I wouldn't be in this shit.
I shouldn't have had to go through the shit,
coming out smelling horrible.

Being a bad son was and is still a mistake I make.
I don't like talking about it.
But I wish I had enough self control not to lose my temper so easily.

For all the shit I went throught,
one would imagine me coming out a stronger person.
Instead, I come out smelling like, you guessed it, shit.
FML.


Im sorry, just to illustrate what I meant in that poem-which-wasn't-meant-to-be, I shall tell you what I did. I failed every test in the run up to the prelims. I had yet another nightmare about the rugby finals last night. I ripped my uniform shirt because I got too angry at my mum, and got so rude and offensive that I got disgusted by myself.

I hate not being able to let go. Of rugby.

-AING

Posted by Mat Raffles at 10:53 PM

Monday, August 23, 2010

someone has issues

Problems with my life.

1) I never really know what I want until it's impossible to have it already, and then I do realise how much I wanted it.

2) I never make decisions that might have consequences, cos I'm scared shitless about consequences. So I wait and wait and wait until I don't have to make that decision anymore and life makes its decision for me, for better or worse.

3) I never finish what I star


Shift.

Posted by Mat Raffles at 9:34 PM

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I WANA HUG YOU

Okay I realised I've been completely void of humor in my previous posts and i dont know why. I think I'm losing it. Like seriously, remember how Indra Shahdan Daud got his knee injury and he never found his pace and scoring touch again? Yeah, something like that. For those who don't know who he is, you should be ashamed of yourself, really.

Crying is quite a mystery. When I feel high and happy, a simple incident could throw me off completely, making me cry involuntarily. When I feel overwhelmed and upset, I just can't seem to cry. Crying is therapeautic in that sense, because I always feel better after I cry, but when I'm upset, I can't cry. I think its because the body works following a system of counter-productive equilibrium. When you feel happy, your body will make you cry to reduce you to what you were before: normal. When you're sad, your body doesn't give a damn, because the body wants to see you suffer for all the suffering you made it go through.

OR I could just be a wimp.

Seriously, I think I'm turning into a wimp. I don't know why. Oh that reminds me, why do people always ask you stuff, the answer to which you just mentioned? Like:

Me: I don't know why, but I feel like crying alot these days.
Random person: Why do you feel like crying?
Me: I don't know why.
Random person: Oh. Okay.

Heh some might go, "Ohmygoodness is he talking about me? I remember having this conversation with him a while ago," followed by making my favourite face to use on MSN: o.o
Heh don't worry, this is just a random observation I made while staring at blank space yesterday morning.

Which reminds me. Yesterday, after a heart-to-heart (aww I think it's nice to have these, this probably explains why girls like having it) with a friend, I stayed up till 4.30 am before I went to sleep. And what did I do in the meantime? I stared at the wall in front of me, occasionally crying. AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. Sheesh that really pisses me off. Chey angsty ah.

Ohwell. I want to sign off here since its getting late.

FINGSTER

Posted by Mat Raffles at 2:19 AM

Sunday, August 8, 2010

welcome to the new

i've always thought of making a blog. But for 5 reasons.

1) I could never think of a nice url name thingy. To be honest, a lot of peoples blogs have really sucky names anyway and if i were to have a blog, i wanted something special. something unique and awesome. but I never found that perfect url.

2) too much commitment. If I had a blog, i'd probably feel obliged to post shit and nonsense even if I didn't have shit and nonsense to post. and i didn't want that. That probably comes from reading other people's shit and nonsense too. of course, that means when I did have actual insightful comments on the meaning of life, I had nowhere to put it on so they probably got lost in the depths of my mind. the world mourns. (who am i kidding, what insight, all i have to offer is more shit and nonsense)

3) all the options. too much thinking. wordpress or blogger? tagboard or not? what theme? really really really too much effort.

4) whats the point really? you blog to tell the world what you wouldn't otherwise be able to. but do you really want to tell the world? you spend enough time in real life trying to constantly act like how people want you to act, say what people want you to say that when you have a blog, you let it all out and say what you mean/think. but the world still sees it. and that kinda just defeated the point for me.

5) I don't have a 5th reason. see this is why i shouldnt have a blog.

but like many things in life, I want one anyway. so what this long-winded post is trying to say is:

TODAY IS THE DAY SIAPATANYA IS REVIVED.

but this isn't the old siapatanya. heck, no matter how many revives or hyper potions anyone uses on siapatanya it will never be the same again. yes, its sad but its true so time to get over it.

so, shift, whats new siapatanya all about? well, shift, its all about the power of words. the power of ideas. you can kill a man but you cant kill an idea (quote from awesome movie). so, fellow matbloods, put all ideas that you have here. ALL OF THEM. okay, maybe not all, but i think you get the point.

so post wtv you want to, say what you want to say to anyone in the world without actl having to deal with the consequences (unless its slander or some shit like that, in that case youre an idiot). Use codenames. If no one understands wtf you're talking about its okay, cos the most important thing is you do. and your words are out there. and the world is better for it.

yeah so thats all i have for now. like i said, everyone post what you want to. only one ground rule, always sign off. But difference is, you don't need to sign off as your REAL codename if you dont want to. you can sign off as anything you want (other than a real codename that already exists). you can use any colour you want. you can call yourself cockface beastmaster if you so please. all in the interest of saying what you want without the restrictions of your identity. but sign off. cos its your words.

so this might be the last time i post as shift. although i doubt it, i'm too self-indulgent for that. it wont be the last time i post though. watch out world.

shift to the wift

Posted by Mat Raffles at 11:27 PM