Sunday, July 11, 2010

Getting On With The Show

I'm so sorry about the last post, it was just me feeling down like I never felt before. Well maybe I felt worse than that in sec 4 after the rugby finals, but you get the point.

Anyway, I think its official that I must be the only one left visiting this blog, so I think I am going to keep posting here because I think nobody will discover this blog for awhile. I think I'll make this the place I come to when things get too much for me to handle. I want to at least keep this blog alive even if its just for awhile more.

I dont know whats happening to me. Im brushing my friends off the wrong way. Some had an okay impression with me when they first met me, but I think now they see me as just another insignificant person in their lives, if they even see me any more. I always take my best friends for granted. I think I've been lucky to have been gifted with so many extremely good friends, friends who are always there for me and who I can truly trust. Lately I think I've just been annoying them, something I never wanted to end up doing. I thought I could avoid that problem by not divulging all my thoughts to them because I have many thoughts and sharing them all at once would hog all the attention, making me selfish. This is also something I want to avoid but increasingly, I feel like I'm growing to be a bossy sort of person, somewhat a bully.

Im losing the friends I truly treasure with all my heart. Sure there will always be the one or two guys I can always depend on, but I think its not a nice thing to let relationships die. I dont know anything any more, but I think I dont mind. I'm all for going slow and steady, searching for what I need one at a time. The only problem is I don't know where to start. I need help. I need someone who can truly understand me without me having to say anything. I need someone who really understands me, someone who can read me, make me feel vulnerable yet secure. I have friends who fulfil some of those criteria, but none of them fill all of them at once.

I miss my old self, the one back in sec 3 and 4. I feel like despite what I said in my goodbye post at the end of sec 4, I think I am the one who changed the most. I hurt people. I cry so often I hate even mentioning it. Maybe that's why I come here. I want an escape. To go to someplace where I feel unencumbered.

I hope the rain stops soon. Then the rainbows can come out, even if for awhile only.

Fing ( I'm sorry, Ive been using inconsistent colours because I keep forgetting that I am pink.)

Posted by Mat Raffles at 6:12 PM