Life is short, death is near; make this one chance count.
Mavado
Posted by Mat Raffles at 8:02 PM
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Familiarity
It really just comes back to this, doesn't it?
My last post was in November 2013. THE last post of this blog was in November 2013. You know, deep down, I almost hoped that someone else would post here, but I guess I'm the only one stuck in the past.
I've said it before though, and I'll say it again. Maybe it's not that I'm stuck in the past. Maybe I just need to come back here once in a while to seek some comfort in familiarity. I don't know about the others, but when I make a commitment to something, I get really attached and I find it extremely difficult to let go. In my turbulent, formative years in back in RI, this was all I held on to, and I was held on to this blog very dearly. I'm probably a little crazy just because of this, because I'm pretty sure nobody else cared so much about this blog as I once did. As I probably still do. Maybe that's why it all really just comes back to this doesn't it?
Well, since I'm here, I might as well update the random reader on what's going on with my life. I am already approaching the end of my second year of study in NUS. I can safely say that I know close to nothing about what it means to be a mechanical engineer still. I've basically been spending my time with activities and planning events. Pretty much the same things I used to do back in RI, only now I deal with the real world. In many ways, a lot of what I am now looks a lot like what I was 8 years ago. Not taking studies seriously, fooling around, spending way too much time on non-academic stuff etc. Maybe that's why I'm back here.
I'm more adult now that I was back then, obviously. I've organised events involving the public, I've liaised with external bodies about monetary issues, handled accounts involving the money of a lot of people and so on. Basically, I'm the same me LOADED with all these extra adult responsibilities.Yet somehow, I don't feel any different. As much as it's easy to point to the fact that this means that I have not improved since my time in RI, another thought begins to creep in. Maybe the reason I did not have to improve was because RI put me up to such a high standard, yet made everything fun, so I hardly realised the amount of growing I was doing.
I mean, its easy to forget. Looking back, I was a jackass. All I remembered was fun, seriously. No work, almost all play. Yet, I've somehow become the man I am today. And that's gotta come from somewhere right? So maybe that's why I'm here. Because deep down, I probably realise that the reason I am who I am today, not just the bad, but the good, came almost as a direct result of my time in RI. And this place serves as a platform for me to reminisce on those times. This place is almost a record of the things which happened, good or bad. So really, it all just comes back to this, doesn't it?
I'm going to turn 23 soon. Thats 10 years from when I first started my Raffles journey. And that makes this blog, what, almost 8 years old? What have I learnt? Nothing I can put in words, that's for sure. But I know what I've gained. It's just that sometimes, I forget. And that is why I need this blog. That's why I occasionally feel the urge to visit and just scroll through. So that I can remember. So at the end of the day, it really does come back to this. And I'm glad for it.
I don't know when I will post next, simply because I have so much on my hands now. But I look forward to when that will happen.
Till next time,
Yours truly, Fing.
(P.s. I can never truly revert back to my original colour simply because I can't find the right shade of pink. So this is like, 50 shades of pink. Heh.)
Posted by Mat Raffles at 9:37 AM
Thursday, November 21, 2013
ITS COMING!!!!
FINALS ARE UPON US. Yes, as part of us "moving on", we are mostly in universities now, and the much dreaded finals are upon on. My first paper is in two days time. And its......Math. How the heck am I still studying by itself the most useless subject ever? I kinda had the vision that after JC, I would be done with math once and for all, but nooooo. And this being our first major exam since the A Levels more than two years ago, I am nervous. But....what the heck. On with it. See you guys in SEVEN days. Yes, that's when my last paper ends. Granted, I may not post even when I am done with it, but AT LEAST I WILL BE FREE. Okay enough. That was uncharacteristically childish of me. Heh heh well maybe not :D :D :D Fing
Posted by Mat Raffles at 2:57 PM
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Remember
Hey there. Its odd, yet somewhat unsurprising that I'm back here after so long. This is firstly because its exam period and I have yet to outgrow this terrible, terrible habit of distracting myself when all i really need to do is focus. And secondly, because whenever I am in a great deal of stress, I, along with most people out there, seek familiarity, or more precisely comfort. I'll have to admit that going to this blog wasn't my first option, but then, nothing else worked. I chanced upon this blog again after a hiatus of more than a year and I must say, I am pleasantly surprised both by how much comfort just being on this page brings to me as well as the traffic this blog is getting, considering its been dead for awhile now. Or maybe this blog never was dead, just dormant. Thinking of this blog as dormant makes me really upset, but there really is nothing I can do about it and it really is to be expected. I say dormant because somehow (to me at least), I feel like this blog just never seems to die, like it has a soul or something, and is just waiting for someone to use it again. And the fact that none of the original members are posting here anymore gives the blog the impression that it had been abandoned. Picture your childhood imaginary friend, and as you grow up, you tell that friend that you would be back when you're done settling things. Being a naive figment of your imagination, that friend would be glad to know that you would be coming back and would obviously await your return. But there it remains, with no attention given to it. And as I look back, I see this shadow of a kid, my friend, OUR friend, just waiting, with a forlorn look on his face. And just imagining that upsets me immensely. I don't expect any one of us to actually post in this blog ever again. And I don't see why anyone should. We have all moved on with our lives. We have all gone our separate ways, albeit together as a batch, however contradictory that may sound. In fact, I don't think I should post in this blog again. But I want to. And trust me, its not that I haven't moved on like the rest of us have. Its just that as much as I enjoy life now, I really can't help but to keep looking back at the fun times we all had and wish that they would happen again, however impossible it may be. And damn right its impossible. We have responsibilities now. We've all grown up now. And there, I've said it again just as I have so many times before: WE HAVE ALL GROWN UP. Its hard to believe that when I made my first contribution to this blog, I was 14 going on 15 and now, I'm well into the age of 21. The "I can watch M18 movies in the cinema and have a drivers' license and not need my parents' permission to do things" and "I can buy cigarettes (I don't smoke by the way) and liquor (neither do I drink) and own a house" phases and milestones are all behind me. Us. Yet here I am. Back at the blog made out of a childish impulse a brilliant member of ours once had. The blog which is used to rant and voice out our adolescent problems which on hindsight, seem really ridiculous and trivial. Honestly, I don't know what compelled me to visit this blog in the first place. After thinking a bit, I realised that it may be because for a large part of my developing years, this blog was all I had. It meant so much more to me than the other members probably know. I treated this blog like the best-friend I never had (which fortunately, I eventually did), sought it whenever I was down, and in essence, made this blog the pillar of strength I needed in my developing years, when teens like us were forced to develop and then were supposed to flourish and bloom into wonderful human beings and were expected to like it. I probably should've turned to religion more back then, but I was a naive teenager. This familiarity I feel makes me want to keep coming back. And that would be pointless if there were no more new posts....so here I am, officially opening this blog again. I have no intention to relive its glory days; that is part of the past and as glorifying as it may be, its probably better kept that way, a part of the past. Instead, I will attempt to keep posting like a hiatus never happened, complete with colour-coding and codenames, speaking of which......tadaa!
I'm back, writing in the pink colour which I was assigned, under the moniker which I chose (sorry for using white colour reserved for the legendary Fuckle). And this feels good. And it can only get better.
For the first time in a long time and hopefully not the last time, Yours as sincerely as humanly possible,
Fing
Posted by Mat Raffles at 12:46 AM
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Just A Thought
I guess it took a huge mistake for me to realise all the others. It took awhile. Well, not really awhile if you consider that I've been an ass for as long as I can remember. I was seriously at a loss, I did not know where I went wrong. I could easily blame my mum for the way she brought me up and I know some people might question her methods too. But undeniably, her methods work, at least for my brother who turned out almost exactly like how my mum wanted. I guess it was just a clash of two egos. Two big egos and unfortunately for me, I was on the losing end because of one simple detail: I am her son, no more, no less. Still, as much as I believe how she brought me up moulded me to who I am today, I still cannot help but feel like I am missing something. My mum can't possibly be the root of all my evil.
I am somewhat ashamed to admit this, but it took me awhile longer to realise that I've been neglecting religion. I did not put in the effort to make sure I made all the timings. I did the bare minimum required, sometimes even less. It was obvious to me, then, what I had to do to to try and change things. I did not know in what way they could change things since my problems and religion didn't really seem to have any sort of connection but I just did it anyway. I put in conscious effort every day. Did less of what was bad and tried to do more of the good. In a sense I guess I had an epiphany, probably my first real one so I was quite content.
True enough thigns started to look better. The same things happened, yes, but i saw everything in a new light, almost literally. I was quite amazed, really. But somehow, things just seemed so surreal. Its like somehow, I feel like instead of confronting my problems I am just running away. I have no idea why I feel like this. I feel enlightened yet somehow I have that lingering feeling that all I did was to carelessly stuff my problems, faults and whatnot into a bottle and stowed it away deep inside me, instead of away. Something just does not feel right and I don't know who I can talk to. Heck, I wouldn't even know what to say even if i did. How do you explain something like this to someone?
I feel like I need someone to talk to. Not to tell me what I can do to feel better, but to just be frank with me. I can't talk to my dad. He really cares alot but does not always know what to do. I can't tell my mum because as much as I think she might have some solutions, I don't think I'm mentally up for the nagging which inevitably comes with advice just yet. I'm still too raw I guess. I can't talk to my brother because he is like my father. Not to mention more awkward. I can't talk to my best friends. Somehow when it comes to me, their only advice would be to "man up." Which never really helps. I can't talk to the people who offer their help. They're kind people but I don't want them to worry about more than they have to, seeing as they worry for a lot of people already. I can't talk to my Coast Guard mates; we are just not close enough yet to be able to share like this. How?
I could talk to God. But I've been so out of touch that I'm not even sure I know how to anymore. And I don't mean to be an asshole, but sometimes, God gives you an answer in the form of a question, or that you have to find out for yourself. I'm already turning 20 soon. I honestly don't know how much longer I will live and the very thought of dying the way I am scares the shit out of me. I need a direct answer. Something to work on. The missing piece of the puzzle which I have turned my life into. I've spent enough time feeling lost and helpless and for the first time in my life, I feel like I can actually take control of my life. I just need a little bit of help. So I guess this could count as an informal prayer to You.
From what I described, I sound like a drug addict, a drinker or some kind of playboy. I sound like I've completely ruined my life. But take a look at me. I graduated from the best school in Singapore, I have the highest rank a National Serviceman can attain in two years, I actually have a considerable amount of money in my savings account and I have a caring and supportive family. All I can say is that sometimes, the problem does not lie with where you are or what you have in life. The problem lies with how you get where you are in life and in what mental and spiritual condition you are in when you arrive where you are. That's my problem. And quite unfortunately, thats the kind of problem which is hard to amend. You can't see how much you've changed for the better or worse until its too late.
Posted by Mat Raffles at 11:59 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2011
whasssupppppp
think i've abandoned ma homiez fo' too long already so i'm backkkk. damn so much has changed. for all the shit that i criticise the army for, i have to admit that the experience thus far has changed me more for the better than the worse. even the shit should be credited into opening my eyes to the existence of such shit which is surely a useful thing in the future. Good job, shit.
The future. It freaks me out. (at this point motion city soundtrack should start playing so go on to youtube and play it yourself you lazy bum). i wanna ord and yet where my life is heading after that is so uncertain. ok not really i'm going uni la but what then? some days the uncertainty is exciting but other days its scary and depressing and staying stuck in time in the army doesnt sound so bad after all. ok, i kid, not to that extent.
we're gonna be 20 next year. thats a zero with a TWO in front. and no teen at the back either to use an excuse for being stupid or dumb or immature or making mistakes. we're growing up, guys. and it scares me. we're not ready. I'M not ready. mentally, spiritually, i'm just not ready yet.
I guess one bright spot is that no one is ever ready to grow up into the unknown and anyone who says that he is is a big fat liar. so i wont be alone in facing the future. and thats reassuring enough.
